You Should Not Tell Someone Who Is Grieving A Loss To ‘Be Strong.’ What To Say Instead
A psychologist tells us the role of social media in how we process grief.
With all the sad news about friends and loved ones’ unfortunate passing, our Facebook feeds have become virtual obituaries, reminding us how fleeting life is. Because of the pandemic, mourning them has become especially difficult: family members can’t even hold the hands of their loved ones in their final moments; funerals have to be held online, and, worst of all, we can’t even lend a shoulder to cry on to those who need consoling. Losing a loved one is in itself utterly painful – that we don’t get to process grief the way we should be able to makes it much harder.
How does social media affect the way we grieve?
According to registered psychologist Priscilla “Peachy” Gonzales Fernando, “Because of the greater reach of social media, people now have multiple creative ways of expressing their grief, and they can broadcast as much or as little as they please. These expressions can range from just changing their profile picture to a candle, to posting videos, photos, and music to express their grief and memorialize their loved one.”
She says that social media gives us the feeling of connectedness, mutual support, and mutual comfort. “It also allows the grieving person to share his/her process of grieving as time goes by, and to commemorate significant dates and death anniversaries.”
With funerals being done virtually, a sense of community, which is important in the process of grieving, is established. Fernando says, “Since condoling in person and participating in the rituals of mourning has not been possible during the pandemic, many families have found comfort in being able to share the rituals in virtual ways.”
Is it proper to announce a death on social media?
Girlie, whose husband died of COVID-19 recently, did not want to post about Willie’s demise on social media until everyone in their immediate family had been notified. However, some well-meaning friends who knew about the situation had already sent their condolences online, putting her in an awkward spot.
According to Fernando, while death announcements can be made through social media platforms, it is basic respect to wait for the deceased person’s family to issue a statement before you do. “With the advent of social media, the grieving family now has a wider and faster way of making their announcement. It is a very personal choice, just as the death of a loved one is a very personal matter,” she says.
“Ethically, and intuitively, most people have respected the family’s right to make the announcement themselves in the way that they see fit, and to as [many] or as [few] people as they would like. It would be best for grieving families to be knowledgeable about privacy settings, so that they can decide to widen or limit the circle of who they want to reach.”
What are the do’s and don’ts when expressing sympathy to a person who is mourning?
“Oh dear, there is such a need to inform people of ways of offering condolences that are helpful, and those that are not,” says Fernando. “I feel that most people feel they have to say something, and they grasp at whatever comes to mind, or follow other people’s examples.”
There are things we say with the intent to ease someone’s grief that may seem comforting, but can actually invalidate the person’s sense of loss. It’s important to be aware of these and know that they are not helpful because they may make the bereaved person feel like he should not be grieving.
Some examples of statements that are not helpful are:
“Be strong.”
“At least you have other children.”
“You can still have another child.”
“At least you’re young, you can still get married again.”
“It was her time to go.”
“She is in a better place.”
“Don’t cry.”
“At least she lived a long life.”
Instead, Fernando says, “It is good to acknowledge the person’s grief, to admit that we do not know or cannot imagine how they feel, to say we are sorry, to say that we care for them, to talk about how you remember the person (this is particularly comforting for bereaved families), and to offer your help.”
Helpful statements to say are:
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“I cannot imagine how you feel, but I’m here for you.”
“My prayers for you and your loved one.”
You can also send the grieving person a specific offer of help. For example, “I can take care of arranging the food on Friday night,” or “I’ll drop some groceries over at your house.”
A better understanding of grief
It is important for us to read up and make the initiative to further understand how different people process grief. Fernando says that there are books, websites, webinars, and Facebook pages that are good resources for this.
“One of the pages that I share with my friends who are grieving is Grief Speaks. There are many others, and a quick search will lead you to find more,” she says. “Listening to a webinar on grief offered by experts in the field would also be very helpful.”
For more information, you may reach Priscilla “Peachy” Gonzales Fernando, RPsy through her private practice, Rainbow Playroom Psychological Services on Facebook, or email them at [email protected].
